Stages
by raynesupreme
Summary: Jayne and River start a relationship but she unexpectedly leaves Serenity. A story of Jayne as he works his ways through the stages of grief. Multi-chapter. Post-BDM.
1. Chapter 1  Prologue

In the end, it was Inara that caved.

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Inara found herself walking the halls of Serenity at a time when she should have been content to have Mal's arms circling her, his bare chest pressed against her back. This wasn't the first time the secrets swirling around her head had kept her from sleeping soundly and it would surely not be the last.

While discretion was a core requirement of being a Companion, it was not often that the Companion was exposed to the aftermath of such secrets. She was confident at the time that River's choice was hers to make, and Inara had even encouraged her in her choice, but now, now that months had gone by, the ex-Companion was plagued with the burden of not only keeping a well-buried secret but also the burden of witnessing being crew's reactions to the same secret on a daily basis.

In the past Inara hadn't had much reason to feel much else than exasperation, and the occasional disgust, for their resident merc but the past nine months had revealed some sides to Jayne that she was pleasantly surprised to see. She'd watched him grieve the loss of crew, struggle to come to grips from the horror that was Miranda, become overprotective to his crewmates, invest more in the planning of Mal's crazy schemes in what she could only assume to be further proof of his dedication to their safety. And while the others seemed to remain in the dark about it, Inara had watched with an interest as Jayne slowed his incessant complaints about "the Moonbrain" and her highjinx and even began to exhibit behaviors that Inara could only describe as a school-boy crush on the girl.

Stepping across the threshold to the bridge, she wasn't surprised to find Jayne's large body dominating the co-pilot chair. In fact, every night she was up at this ungodly hour, so was Jayne, at least for the last two to three weeks. Some nights she would just tuck herself into the nearby pilot's seat and talk about planets, or about Wash, or about Book. They never talked about crew. Most nights, they just sat there in silence, staring out into the black until one of them would quietly stand and return to their bunk.

By the drawn, expressionless look on Jayne's face, Inara figured it to be one of the silent nights. As her mind began to naturally wander toward that of a certain girl and how she was likely faring, Inara was surprised to hear Jayne's chair turn toward her. His eyes were as dead and dark as the black of space, and Inara was a bit shocked to notice how the worry lines around his eyes had deepened in these short months.

Perhaps it was her awareness of his crush on River that left her feeling more than her fair share of guilt in harboring the girl's secret. Jayne's emotions had seemed all over the map for months but, in all actuality, Inara recognized anticipated stages of grief. Yet, she had been honestly surprised that he hadn't been able to move on yet. The rest of the crew had difficulty adjusting to be sure, but Jayne was stuck somehow.

"Inara?"

His whisper brought her back to moment, to the silence, to the stars and to the void stretching out in front of them. "Yes?"

"I never figured to ask ya' straight out if ya' knew where she was 'cause I figured ya'd never a told me anyhow. But I'm out of options and I don't know what else to do."

Inara's heart squeezed in her chest for him. Jayne, their big, tough, crude merc seemed so broken. His voice seemingly being pushed through unheard sobs deep in his chest. His depression was so severe and so obvious at this late hour. For the first time, it occurs to her that she may have misjudged the depth of Jayne's feelings for River. In fact, had it been anyone else but Jayne, she would have sworn that the man sitting next to her was heartbroken.

"What are you asking me, Jayne?"

His blue eyes lifted and stared at her with such an intensity that she felt a bit of worry crawl up her spine. He sighed deeply and returned his eyes to the black. "Inara, ya' ever think on why I'm up here every night, staring off into the black?"

"Well, I guess not. Not really. I have a few suspicions but, no, I can't say I know why you are here, and I hadn't realized it was every night."

Jayned sighed again and shifted in his seat to look over at her. "I sit here, every night, in her seat, and look out to the black that she loved so gorram much. Bet ya' didn't know I used ta let her float around out there when her troubles got to cloggin' her brain too much," he smiled slightly. "I sit here every night, tryin' to suss out why she left and where in the 'verse she coulda gone," he paused, straing at his hands in his lap. "But I ain't a ruttin' genius like she is and I ain't been able to get the answers I'm a needin'. I've asked everyone onboard, both using niceness and threats. Even tried to bribe Simon but he looked just as lost as I felt and figured ya' can't fake that." his voice trailed off. "Seems the girl really just up and disappeared."

She felt his eyes return to her, not with veiled threats or underlying anger but with sheer desperation. "But I ain't asked you yet. I ain't asked ya'straight, And now I gotta ask. I gotta know. I gotta know where she is."

Inara could barely breathe for the swell of Jayne's despair crashing over in waves. "Jayne, it was River's choice to leave. It's her choice to stay away. It's not my secret to keep."

Jayne must have heard something in her voice, in her words, because he instantly dropped to his knees at her feet. "Please 'Nara. I can't not know." She felt his huge hands gently rest on her knees. "I can't not know and it's killin' me."

She placed her palm gently against Jayne's cheek, wiped away the single tear that dared escape his eyes. She angled her head to the ceiling, took a deep breath, and caved. How could she not.


	2. Chapter 2 Departure

"Crew meetin' in the mess in ten. Got some news worth sharin'," blasted Mal's voice from the intercom.

Gorram it. Jayne hated when Mal interrupted his workouts. Now he'd done lost his count. Weren't like Mal had anything worth listenin' to most times anyway. They hadn't had their usual post-job pow wow. Thinkin' on it now, nothin' in particular gone wrong, 'cept for Moonbrain almost tearin' up the place. But, in his 'pinion, that was just downright amusin', and not-just-a-little sexy. He'd gotten her to a workin' calm within minutes so he figured no harm, no foul. 'Cept Capt'n probably thought there be some harm to nearly tearing a guys arm outta its socket. But hell, if stupid fool didn't have 'nough smarts not ta touch the girl when she's Readin' then he deserved what he got. In truth, Jayne was 'bout ta tear his other arm just fer touchin' her in this first place but things got all chaos-y there 'fer a bit and leavin' seemed the smarter move.

Jayne threw the towel over his shoulder and made his way to the mess. If'n the Cap'n had somethin' to say 'bout the job, Jayne figured might as well hear it out now so not ta ruin dinner. Didn't like when anythin' ruined dinner. 'N fact, Jayne been likin' dinner even more than usual, with the crazy's hand grazin' his thigh once in while. Or her being so close he could watch his pulse throb in her silky neck. He 'specially liked the nights when they got clean-up duty together. All alone, all sudsy and slippery. Girl could do things with wet hands that should be illegal.

"Everyone take a seat," Mal ordered.

Jayne saw Mal shoot Inara a nervous look and she smiled weakly back. Sorta in an encouraging sort a way. _Great. Bad news then_, Jayne figured. Everyone else looked as clueless as he felt so he figured it was either 'bout the ship or the pay. Probably the pay.

"Well, ya'll might notice we're missin' ourselves our itty-bitty assassin," Mal started.

"Oh, sorry Captain, I'll go find her," her brother offered as his chair scraped back from the table.

"Well, Simon, thata be a right nice trick seein' she ain't on the ship no longer."

Jayne found this all sorts a funny and tried hard to hide his smirk. _Crazy girl and her crazy pranks. Likely holed up under the engine coil._ He knew no one knew 'bout that hiding place but him. Girl gone so far to make him pinky swear that he'd never tell. Never pinky swore on nothin' a'fore but he wasn't opposed ta any such touchin' on the girl, even it were just her bitty little finger.

"What do you mean she isn't on the ship? We left her behind? What the hell, Captain?"

Simon was runnin' his prissy mouth, full of big words and no-so-terrifying threats, while the others just looked to the Cap'n to continue. Jayne woulda returned to his weight bench by now but this prank was all sorts of chaos and he wondered for a minute iff'n maybe Moonbrain done this little joke 'fer his benefit. The Girl knew he liked when everyone was in a uproar, 'specially when it was none of his doin'. Maybe it was like Crazy's version of a present.

"Sit down, Simon," Mal shouted. "Let me git this out. Hard 'nough without ya' yapping at me like that. Everyone listen up 'cause ain't likely to say this but once." He held up an envelope. "Found this in my bunk after we returned from the job. Figure it's best I justa read it. Save me the translatin'."

Jayne witnessed another one of those encouraging smile from Inara. The hair on the back of his neck tickled in the place that usually told him that nothin' good was on its way. Now, lookin' out over the crew, Jayne was thinking that maybe now the girl gone too far. There was a frightful lot a hand wringing and such and lil' Kaylee was snifflin' and wipin' her eyes. Jayne looked over his shoulder all casual-like, hopin' ta see the tips of the girl's long brown hair blowing in the breeze out past the hatch. But they weren't. His neck was now atingle and Jayne felt a moment of panic jump to his chest.

Mal took a deep breath and started in on the readin'. "Friends. The time has come for the girl to leave the proverbial nest and fly away to places unknown. You all know that the last six months have been a struggle. Releasing secrets that weren't mine, that helped a lot. It freed me my mind up enough to begin to put the pieces of myself back together. In that short time, I feel I have picked up all the big pieces I could. Sister. Dancer. Friend. Reader. Daughter. Pilot. Weapon.. All of these pieces have been found and for that, and to each of you, the girl is grateful. I am nearly whole but not complete. At my feet, I see the shards that are too sharp to grab, too small to hold. The girl can no longer rely on Serenity to put the girl together. Nor can she expect anyone else to either. I want to thank each and everyone one of you (and two that are gone) for getting me to where I am today. I am an adult. I have confidence. I can protect myself. The road less traveled is often traveled alone. My heart can't handle goodbyes right now so it's best I just leave silently. Serenity has promised me she will watch over you, take care of you, love you and protect you. Don't worry about Serenity's girl. Mind takes flight. Body must follow. It's simple physics really. As for my destination, I've chosen to keep that secret, for your safety. The Alliance still wants what was stolen. Serenity's family will be safer not knowing. Time to go. The road is calling. Yours always, River"

Jayne didn't wait for the fallout from the letter. He jumped up and ran down the hallway to her bunk. Even as he entered, he could see her bunk was still full of her things, everything in its place. Her sketch pad at the center of her bed. Her weapons still stored above her bed.

"Jayne," Kaylee whispered and laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, Kaylee. She ain't gone. She's just wantin' ta play hide n' seek or some girly nonsense. All her stuff's here. Girl wouldn't just leave everything behind, now would she?"

"Jayne, she ain't playin'," Kaylee whimpered. "I just found these in my bunk and Simon is off readin' a letter he just found in his bunk."

Jayne looked down into Kaylee's hand to see some pretty yellow ribbon hair ties and a small note. He gently lifted the note and scanned the swirly handwritin'. _These are for you. I hope you like them. Take whatever you want from my bunk. There's nothing here I need._

"This is bullshit," Jayne yelled. He flew up the hatch in a flash and stomped down to the cargo bay. He felt the cold of the rails in his deathgrip and clenched his eyes closed to settle himself. "This ain't funny no more, Moonbrain. Ya' come on out in two minutes or I'll find ya' and ya' know better than anyone that I gonna find ya'. Best tracker in the 'verse and all. And when I find ya' I'm gonna kick yer ass from here until tomorrow… fer making Kaylee cry. I swear ta God girl, this ain't funny."


	3. Chapter 3 Denial

Jayne pulled out his paper and pen. With his chores done for the day and his muscle sore from working out so much, he figured he hadn't written his mom in a while and she'd be expectin' updates on all the happenings. Plus, he'd been meaning to ask his mom if she could knit Moonbrain some warm socks. Ain't right the girl run 'round the ship all barefoot. The thought of her lying somewhere up in an airvent right now, freezin' to death made him wanna start searchin' again. But, after a week, he was done with her game. Admired her holding power though. Sure, it obvious she took the joke too far but it'd probably be hilarious when she suddenly reappeared in the seat next ta him at chow time, or maybe she'd just be waiting in the mule tomorrow 'fore they left out ta the meet up. Either way, he'd know her reappearance would be funny.

Jayne picked up his pen. "Been seven days since Moonbrain's big joke. Crew's pretty wrecked up over it. I keep tellin' him that if she wants to stay hid, she's a gonna stay hid. Just who she is. I'm fine. Workin' out plenty. Cleanin' the girls more than usual but seem to have more time on my hands than usual right 'bout now. Kaylee and Simon are sad all the time and I cain't stand to be 'round 'em more than the eatin' times. Cap'n and Inara keep to their shuttle or the bridge most days. And Zoe, well, Zoe is still greivin' Wash. Don't come outta her bunk 'less its necessary. Not used to da quiet, Ma, bit offputting to be truthful. Oh, can you make River some socks? Girl's gonna freeze her toes off one of these days. Hope all is well at home. Your son, Jayne."

Satisfied with his letter, Jayne curled up under his blanket and shivered against the cold.

"Damn girl gonna' freeze herself ta death."

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Jayne had ta 'fess up. It was true. The girl done gone an' left ship. He'd spent two gorram weeks lookin' through every hidey-hole he knew of and found some he didn't. He'd also insisted on lockin' up the pantry every night, thinkin' that the feng le girl had ta come out to eat sometime. No one fought him on it, mostly 'cause they'd taken to thinkin' he was crazy. Which now, in hindsight, he kinda was. Lookin' like a damn fool!

'Cept it weren't foolish ta thinkin' it was a big joke! Crazy was always up to some nonsense or another. And, the girl could stay hid when she wanted to. Seen that time and time 'gain. Plus, people don't just up and leave Serenity. Well, the preacher did but that didn't work out so well 'fer himl. Well, and Book, but that tweren't by choice.

The girl is just off on vacation somewhere. 'S only natural for girls of that age wantin' to run away, explore the 'verse a bit. Probably shopping fer girly dresses. Probably just needed a few more days and she'd wave and then Cap'n insist we go get straightaway ta fetch her, regardless if were off to our next job or not. Betcha Cap'n will bitch about it the 'tire time but probably welcome her back with hugs and all. Oh, and that ain't saying nothin' but the screamin' and carryin' on from Simon. Jayne was not lookin' to be 'round for that go se.

But, sure 'nough, Jayne wouldn't have no warm hugs or words for the girl. Fact is, he'd planned on not saying a word once she's returned. Joke weren't funny. Plus, he wouldn't know what to say anyway.

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Somethin' caught his attention from the corner of his eye. For a split second, his heart kicked up, thinkin' he'd seen Moonbrain peeking out from behind a crate in the corner. 'Supposed some say that were wishful thinkin'. More like his brain was so used ta havin' her flit about while he was 'round, dancin' or starin' or runnin' 'bout, that it was just natural that his brain conjure her up once in a while. Tweren't odd, really. And certainly, didn't mean shit. She hadn't been washin' dishes or laughin' or dancin' in the hold those times before either.

Since he'd taken to spendin' most of his time either in his bunk or in the bay, workin' out, his brain didn't play so many tricks no more. Sure as shit wasn't plannin' on bein' anywhere near the bridge when the crazy girl did decide to be wavin' in and beggin' ta come back. Nope. Jayne figured his time was better spent just carryin' on as usual so when she'd did come back, and it hadda be any day now, things could jist go back to normal. She'd had her fun and she'd feel better if'n everything was just as she left it. No sense in her knowin' all the weepin' and cryin' that had been going on fer a month now.

Plan was to git her home and everythin' could go back to normal. Jayne wouldn't even bother to ask her where she been or who she'd been with, though that part did tear him up a bit.. Wouldn't matter in the end. She'd be back. And then everything would be back too.


	4. Chapter 4 Anger

"What was that Jayne? Told ya upfront this was to be all quiet-like and friendly, and not the tearin'-up-the-place-and-leave-a-bunch-a-corpses-behind friendly," screamed Mal.

Jayne was storming up the ramp, headed straight to the infirmary, trying his best to ignore the scolding. Focusing on the pain a couple broken ribs brought with it. Weren't the first time he got hisself busted up, but somehow this time pained him more than most. Might be that it had just been some time since he got any injury that were more than mentionin'.

Jayne tried to push past the all-sort-of-red-faced Capt'n. "Shit, Mal. We all got paid. We all got out. End of story," stated Jayne.

Jayne felt Mal's grip on his arm and spun to face him. Jayne were certain he'd seen Mal as serious and as deadly as this afore, he just couldn't think a when. He decided that givin the man a bit a time ta cool down might be the better move than shovin' a fist in his eye socket, which was the other option Jayne was currently thinkin' on.

"Yer wrong, Jayne. This ain't the end of the story," Mal hissed through clenched teeth. "Fact is, we're gonna have words 'bout this real soon. But right now, I gotta mighty pissed off client to talk down and a mess of local law enforcement to flee from so ya best get the Doc to patch ya up, and Jayne," Mal growled, "yer confined ta yer bunk 'til further notice."

"Ya can't be serious," Jayne whined. "Tweren't nothin' but a few low-life barflies. Can't think that no one will miss 'em."

"Jayne, I ain't got the time nor the inclination to be discussin' this further with ya. And, truth is, I'm about through with ya' entirely. Either you get patch up and to yer bunk or you get yer stuff and get off this ship right here and now. Ain't no other choices for Jayne. Ya hear?"

Jayne thought on it fer longer than Mal had expected 'cause Mal's eyebrow crept to his brow. _Might not be a bad time 'fer leavin'. Not much worth stayin' fer. Damn Capt'n and his rules. 'S enough ta make any man want ta strike out on his own._ But the mess he made back at the bar would have the law on him on no time, 'specially on this piss-ant dust bowl of a moon. Probably best stayin' on fer now. Time enough ta get off this piece of go se boat, just needed a bit more coin, he figured.

"I heard ya', Mal, but I sure am lookin' forward to our lil' chat later."

"Don't push me, Jayne. Had me my fair share of headaches from you in the past three weeks ta last a lifetime," Mal hissed. "And if you don't stop tearing up the 'verse like a mad man, I predict my lifetime is gonna be a great bit longer than yours."

Before Jayne could shoot back a remark 'bout who'd taken more bullets into their sorry ass body, Mal had spun on his heel and marched off toward the bridge. Tearin' up the 'verse? Hadn't yet scratched the surface, far as Jayne figured. Mal didn't rightly know who he had on board. Only one ta ever really know him, the good, bad and ugly weren't here no more.

Maybe 'twas time they found out how bad Jayne Cobb could get. Not like he owed this sad bunch a misfits much anyway. Protect the cargo. Protect the crew. Just 'cause it 'twas his job didn't mean he had ta like 'em. Hell, ever since…, well, since last couple a months, seemed like no one on this boat had a sense a humor 'bout much. 'Specially the pansy ass doc starin' at him from the infirmary right now. All whiny and lost puppy dog since his beloved lil' sis done dumped him like a hot potato.

"Jayne. Come in. Let me look at that."

Fer a second, Jayne wanted Simon to get a close up look at his fist but he knew the Capt'n would throw him out right on the spot if he harmed one hair on the Core-boy's head. "Fine, but ya' ain't shootin' me up with no smoothers."

"Jayne," sighed Simon. "If I'm correct, you have a least a few broken ribs and potentially some internal hemorrhaging, you are going to need something to help with the pain."

Jayne grabbed at the boy's shirt, ready ta strangle him where he stood. "No pain killers. No smoothers. Just patch me up and I'll be on my way."

"All right, Jayne. Have it your way. You want pain? Well, it certainly looks like you got it in spades this time." Simon lifted Jayne's shirt to look at the blackened contusion. "This is going to hurt but I have to feel around a bit to see how damaged the tissue is."

Jayne winced at Simon's pokin' but didn't make a sound. Pain? This tweren't nothin'.

He watched as the boy walked through the motions of a thorough exam, explainin' every damn thing along the way. Jayne stopped listenin' a while back, his body finally lettin' down after the fight, drawin' his thoughts toward somethin' more like quiet. He thought on his bunk only for a moment. Even though he stopped sleepin' there couple weeks back, Jayne was needin' ta get away from Simon somethin' fierce. Damn fool couldn't keep his trap shut fer more than the time it took ta take a breath.

"Jayne, are you listening to me. It is important that you stay awake for the next couple of hours. I don't want you sleeping at all until after dinner."

Jayne nodded, shrugged his shirt back on and headed out the door. "Not 'ta worry, Doc. Not sleepin' ain't a problem."

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"I don't know, Zoe. I'm not sure what's goin' on with him but I'm leanin' toward the solution being getting him off the boat." Mal cupped his coffee, hoping to warm the chill produced by worryin' on his crew like such. "He's gotten reckless lately. He's gotten dangerous. I'm not sure I trust him anymore."

Zoe smiled slightly, thinking that men were so clueless sometimes. Was a true wonder their gender survived 'til now. "Sir, if I might say, it ain't like ya' ever really trusted Jayne in the first place. Plus, he's only gotten reckless since River's been gone."

Mal's eyes shot up. "What's River's leavin' got 'ta do with my merc going feng le?"

This time Zoe actually rolled her eyes. "Well, if I were a bettin' woman, and you know I am, I'd be puttin' money on the fact that Jayne is actin' out 'cause he's hurting."

Mal's mug slammed to the table. "Ya mean to say…that my merc….and my 'Tross…."

Zoe laughed silently as Mal's wheels were spinnin' to process this new information. "Sir, what I mean 'ta say is that although I don't know nothin' fer sure, Jayne seems like a man grieving a mighty powerful loss. And since the only thing we've lost lately is River, well, I'm just sayin' it's a possibility that Jayne and River had somethin' going on that we didn't see."

"Thank Buddha I didn't see nothin'. Woulda space him."

"Well, sir. Jayne is a lot of things, but he ain't stupid. If he and River had feelings, it's likely the kept it secret," she smirked. "You know, to prevent the spacin' and all."

Mal stared into his coffee for a while, seemingly pondering over the possibility. It probably weren't easy for him, with being all fatherly toward the girl. Zoe sipped on her own tea in silence, waiting patiently for the Captain to catch up to his thoughts.

"Ya' thinking that's why she left? Something to do with Jayne?"

Zoe felt the Captain's sadness and realized he was grieving too, in his own way. "Well, sir, I couldn't say. But if that were true, it would certainly explain a lot about Jayne's behavior since she left."

Mal nodded. Apparently he'd figured the same. "Reckon not much we can do. Don't even know where the girl got off to. Couldn't find her myself, even with me callin' in all sorts of favors," he sighed. "Figure if Jayne wanted her back, he'd rightly have her back by now. Can't keep nothin' hid from Jayne. He really is the best tracker I ever come across."

"I mean no disrespect to Jayne's tracking skills, but he's never come up against an Alliance-trained psychic reader genius girl before. I reckon if she wanted to stay hid, it wouldn't be a hardship for her. Probably easy to stay one step ahead if ya' can see 'em comin'."

Zoe was a bit surprised to see Mal's eyes dull as the meaning of her statement settled in with its full weight. He looked her straight on. "I miss her, Zo."

"We all miss her, sir."

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The sofa weren't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but it was a sure bit better than his bunk. Mal would probably scream at him fer' leavin' his bunk, but there were no way in hell that Jayne could stay cooped up in there fer' longer than it took him to either change his clothes or gather up his girls for a cleanin' or a job.

Dinner was long over and everyone had gone off to do whatever they do during night cycle. Sexin' most likely.

Jayne figured the talk with Mal had gone better than expected. Seemed like the Capt'n was even goin' so far as to bein' friendly. Kept askin' if'n there was anything to talk about. No figurin' Mal out. Should be bunkin' with the Companion. But he weren't. At least not in any permanent arrangement kind of way. Should be warning Kaylee against movin' too fast with Simon. But he weren't. Should be finding a new pilot. But he weren't. But worse thing. Mal should be off lookin' fer the moonbrain girl who, by all chances, had been grabbed up by those Academy apes again. But, nope, he weren't.

Mal had told him tonight that he had tried. Apparently even called on some people had no right cause to call on to see if he could find her, he said. Jayne had been a bit taken by surprise by that. He'd figured Mal had just read her letter and let 'er go. Said he still had people out there listening for any kinda word on the girl but nothin' come in the six weeks she'd been gone. Damn girl just vanished.

Jayne shifted to take pressure off his side. Damn ribs hurt something fierce. He hadn't had much in the way of a serious injury in a while. Hurt like a bitch. Well, probably hadn't been hurt serious-like since the girl had taken up to being his back-up when things took a turn 'fer the worse. 'Course, she'd say that it was him providin' the back up 'fer her.

His heart squeezed a bit at the thought of her teasing him about who backed up who's ass in a tussle. Truth was, Jayne didn't really care as long as he got to watch her fight. The girl was a right nice sight to behold. 'Specially when she was fightin', or dancin', or sleepin'.

Jayne twitched at the memory of how the girl looked sleepin'. His brain wanted to sort through every detail but Jayne took to thinkin' on the ship's ammo levels instead. He touched gently at the bandaged stretched across his chest. The pain's not lettin' up any, he thought, before he took to counting bullets.


	5. Chapter 5 Bargaining

"_Yes – Jayne – yes. So good…don't stop! Please don't stop – please don't stop – " she chanted, the words falling from her lips…."No, baby girl, never," he growled, the hand attached to the arm underneath her neck coming up to grip her hair. "Ain't never gonna stop – yer – unhhh – yer mine, ya hear? __Mine!__"_

"_Yours!" she whimpered..."__Mine__," he snarled low…"Yours," she yelped in agreement as he slammed into her…a river of hot, dark, pulsing, explosive bliss in his arms._

"_River!" _

Jayne bolted upright, panic poundin' through his chest and his John Thomas hard as a rock. Took a bit 'a time ta focus and realize he was still on the sofa. He was a bit surprised he'd slept at all. Hadn't slept in near three days, though. What weren't no surprise was that he'd dreamt of the girl. Of course he would dream 'bout her. What else was there to dream on?

Some nights, like tonight, the dreams were so real he wondered if'n maybe River had died and was now hauntin' him fer the pure torture of it. Would be just her brand of funny, too.

Part of him hated these dreams with a vengeance. Jayne fought sleepin' all together to avoid 'em. But after, just after he woke, for those few minutes of confusion, he could smell her hair, and hear her sighin' in his ear, and swear to any that asked that he could still feel her hands on his skin. Those few minutes, well, they was all he had left of the girl. And for those few minutes, and those alone, he would smile.

Jayne returned to the here and now and quickly scanned the room ta' make sure no one was around. He roughly rubbed his face to scrub away the lingerin' effects of the dream and growled at hisself in frustration. He hadn't let himself think nothin' 'bout what happened back at St. Albans since she left. But apparently his sleepin' brain couldn't not think on their first night together.

He didn't like ta' think on that night 'cause he didn't wanna think 'bout how short a time they had. He'd meant it night when he said he wasn't gonna let her go. 'Course, when he said it, he thought they 'a had more time, a lot more time, maybe all the time he had left.

In fact, that's what grieved him the most now. The loss of all the together time he'd been plannin' with her. The laughin' together, the pullin' pranks together, the fightin' together, and 'course the sexin' together. Never would have thought it'd add up ta' less than six months all said and done . And the real kicker? Weren't even his damn fault.

Jayne scratched his chest and decided that was 'bout time fer a drink. No matter t'was the middle of night cycle. No matter his bottle was near empty. Now was a good 'a time as any to finish it off, he thought, 'fore walking ta' the kitchen, pullin' out his stash, and downing the whiskey straight from the bottle.

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Kaylee woke to an empty bed. Which wasn't exactly unusual. Simon was a morning person, where she liked to stay up late, alone in the black, just her and her Serenity. She knew Simon would have kissed her when he left their room, though she was so tired this morning she must not 'a budged.

After a quick shower, she headed to the kitchen. As she past the closet that served as the ship's armory, she heard a lot of swearing and rustling around from inside. A quick peek inside revealed the ship merc moving stuff around and laying some stuff on a blanket on the floor. Weren't no jobs in the near future. Hell, they were three days out from any sorta land.

"Hey, Jayne. Watcha doin'?"

"Nothin'.

"Don't look like nothin'." She ventured a step inside to look around. "Look's like yer' tearin' up the armory." She crossed her arms, hoping to look all captainy. "Now I don't reckon myself an expert or nothin' but ain't this here room supposed ta' be all organized and neat as a pin, in case ya' need to rush in. You know, like in one of those quick-and-save-our-asses-like emergencies we're so fond of havin' round here?"

"Just sortin' out my girls and puttin' 'em in my bunk with the others."

"Huh," Kaylee shrugged. "Can I ask why? Seems 'ta me havin' some 'a yer guns down here might not be the worst idea in the 'verse."

"Just wantin' 'em all in the same place is all," he muttered. "Make it that much easier when I pack up."

"Pack up? You can't be plannin' on leavin'!" She hadn't expected the tears but they were workin' their way up to her eyes anyhow. "Honest Jayne, we can't lose any more crew. I don't think any of us can handle any more loss right now."

"Nah. Not really," he grumbled. "Just thinkin' on it some."

She had an idea on what might be goin' on in that rock-block brain of his. She looked around quickly to make sure no one was listening. She knew what she was gonna say next was gonna make Jayne a might bit uncomfortable and, as his friend, she didn't want 'ta make it more embarrassing fer' him than it was bound 'ta be.

"Are ya' leavin' so you can go look for her?"

"Look for her? Look for who? What you babblin' 'bout? Just said I was thinkin' on it. Been here longer than I ever expected and a Cobb ain't been known to settle fer too long. And in any case ya' hadn't noticed, I ain't getting any younger here, Kaylee. Might got things I wanna do. Ever thought 'a that?"

Poor Jayne. He looked so sad but this was getting' old. Between him actin' like he didn't care she gone, then to him losin' his temper at anyone for any little thing, she'd had just 'bout enough from big bad Jayne. Most of the crew had been avoiding him and she couldn't blame them none. He'd been downright miserable to be around and that was sayin' a lot. With Simon and Capt'n being all mopey about River leaving, and Zoe still grieving the loss of Wash, and Inara stressed over leaving the guild, weren't like no one was a pleasure to be around these past few months. But no one was reaching out to Jayne and Kaylee couldn't bear to watch him suffering alone no more.

"Oh, please! I know I ain't the smartest girl in the 'verse but give me credit enough to know what's been going on aboard my own ship, Jayne. Look for you? That's funny. I'm talkin' 'bout River. You know, the girl who done ripped yer heart out and smashed it ta' bits the day she left Serenity. The girl, who by some miracle, was the perfect match fer you, and you know it, ya stupid hun dan!"

"Don't you talk 'bout her. Don't even say her name," he screamed.

She thought for a moment he might carry on, venting more of the anger they'd all gotten' used to from him. But his shoulders suddenly sagged, almost as if in defeat, and it occurred to her that she'd never seen Jayne so tired before. She couldn't bear to push him into talkin' if'n he didn't wanna to, especially lookin' so beat down. But she couldn't have him thinkin' on leavin' neither.

"Please, Jayne. Don't leave." She dared to gently place her hand on his arm. "Capt'n said he's got everyone on the lookout and you yourself said if River wanted to stay hid that she'd stay hid. Ain't no sense you lookin' fer her. We need you here, Jayne."

Kaylee was surprised when Jayne put his hand over hers. "Well, I guess our big secret wasn't so much a secret, huh?"

She smiled up at him, hoping to bring him back from such a sorrowful state. "Can't speak for the rest of them but I knew somethin' was going on the night you and Riv cooked up them potatoes fer' our chicken dinner. Always felt I was interruptin' somethin' good."

Kaylee thought for a moment that Jayne might smile at the memory but the moment was gone in a flash.

"That was the night I first kissed her," Jayne mumbled. He looked up and patted her hand gently. "Anyways, I wasn't thinkin' on findin' her. No sense in that. She'll stay hid 'til she's ready ta' not be hid." He seemed to hesitate. "Was just thinkin' that maybe, well, maybe if I left, she'd could come back, be part 'a the crew again. Be with her family."

Kaylee couldn't take the hurt in his voice or the sufferin' carved in the lines of his face. She couldn't stop herself from reachin' her arms around the big merc' and holdin' him like a child. She didn't say nothin', just held on 'til she felt his arms reach around her and hug her back, more gentle than she woulda' guessed him capable of.

After a moment, she pulled back and held him away so she could look at him straight on. "Jayne. That's just the sweetest and stupidest thing I ever did hear ya' say," she sighed. "I know ya' must be feelin' like she left you but, really, River left all of us."

"What are you sayin', Kaylee? She left 'cause of me!"

Kaylee watched as the temper flared to life in his eyes. He pushed her arms away suddenly and took a few large steps back. She'd leave him be in a minute but he had ta' hear what she had ta' say. It might help him with his hurtin'.

"Jayne Cobb! Ya' don't think a genius like River Tam could have figured a way to stay on this ship and not be with you if'n that's what she wanted?"

"I don't know." She saw him thinkin' on it now. "I suppose she could 'a call it off, or slowed it down. Hell, we weren't really even sure what we were doin' yet, you know? We was takin' it slow. Well, kinda slow."

"Exactly." Kaylee took one slow step toward Jayne. "The way I figure it, River found herself on a ship she didn't walk on under her own power. In fact, if I recall correctly she crawled naked out of a box. She spent a good chunk a time crazier than a loon. When she was clear on things, she had to deal with the fact her parents sent her away to a place that cut up on her brain and turned her into a psychic assassin. Then, she revealed the worse kind 'a secret to the entire universe and nearly caused another war. Not ta' mention being up-close-and-personal with a room full of Reavers. Oh, and she lost two of her family in the process tryin' to get sane again." Kaylee paused long enough to catch her breath. "Ya' ever stop to think that maybe River's got some sortin' out to do for herself? That maybe she's a bit young for that amount of go se? That it might not be all 'bout you?"

"Gorram it, Kaylee. I know what she been through," he tensed. "I'm on this boat the whole time too, you know. But, fact is, she didn't leave until after."

"After what? Did ya'll have a fight?"

"No," he turned his back. "She didn't leave until after I told I loved her."

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A/N: Section in italics, an excerpt from "St. Albans" (2008) used with permission by Green Owl.


	6. Chapter 6 Depression

_"Would you mind?" she asked, asking him to push her hair back. To touch her hair. He always wanted to…and now she was asking him to. He reached up with both hands, drawing her thick, shiny hair over her shoulders. His fingers brushed the sides of her neck as he went back for a few errant strands, and Jayne felt River go very still. He couldn't help it…he skimmed his fingers through her hair, a secret caress, as he gathered it into one long hank. He dug in his pocket for the corded bootlace and looped it underneath. He pulled it tight and tied it up into a lopsided ponytail, grinning to himself as he flipped the end around his finger and gave it a playful tug…suddenly conscious of how she was wrapped in his arms, almost pressed back against his chest…Jayne felt the never-far-off desire he tried so desperately to control stir within him, and his body responded almost helplessly by curving into hers. He felt her bottom against his thighs, her shoulder blades against his chest, her head almost tucked into the space just beside his jaw. Gradually, he slid his hands around her slim wrist bones, following the delicate tendons down to ease his big fingers between hers, stroking the tender webs of skin at each apex, exploring the shape of her small, capable hands._

_Slowly, River's face turned up to his, a shy, tremulous smile on her lips. Jayne wasn't about to let this opportunity get away. He kissed those sweet, shy lips, gently at first, and then with increasing depth and pressure as she opened her mouth to him…they kissed hungrily, forcefully, trying to cram as much sensation as possible into that intersection of skin._

"Jayne! Get yer' ass in the mule. Let's go!"

Jayne looked up from where he was knelt down tying his bootlaces. Mal looked genuinely pissed off this time. Couldn't blame him none either. Nothin' deadlier than a distracted gun hand, 'specially a gun hand distracted by memories of first kisses.

"On it, Mal," Jayne hoisted himself and Vera up into the mule. "All set."

Mal eyes met his dead-on and Jayne knew from experience that that look weren't a good one. " I need ya' in the here and now, Jayne. We're here ta' do a job and I ain't risking my own ass, nor Zoe's, fer' the fun of it. We need this to go off without a hitch, dong ma?"

"Sure Mal." Jayne grimaced a bit at the scolding tone but knew he'd earned it. Fact was, he didn't really care 'bout the job. Didn't much care what happened to him ta' be honest. But it was his job to keep the crew safe and that's the only thing that got him up most days.

"And Jayne, after this is done, you and me gonna have words."

"Sure Mal."

Not like it do any good. Fact was, Jayne knew he was off his game. Didn't mean he could do nothin' about it. Capt'n preachin' at him weren't gonna help none either. But if it bought him a few more days on the ship, than he'd take it. Being on Serenity without the girl was hard but there was still enough of her around to live on, to remember, to pretend, at least for a bit longer. But if Mal kicked him off, he'd have nothin' left of her and Jayne was sure he wouldn't survive long on nothin'.

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"Thanks for comin'. Seems I gotta few things on my mind and I'm lookin' for ya' to help me out," Mal spoke to the group seated around the table. "I know we've all been hurtin' in our own ways since Miranda, and we've all done more than our fair share of grievin'."

Mal looked out over his dwindling crew and was amazed at the strength he saw in their faces. Zoe's stoic glare, Simon's direct gaze, Inara's gentle smile, and Kaylee's ever-present sparkle.

"I've asked Jayne to run into town 'cause I wanna talk 'bout him in particular," Mal noticed no one seemed surprised. "I can't help feelin' like we all done a good deal of mendin' in the last nine months. And not ta' say it was easy on any of us, but, and I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but any one else 'round this table think my merc is broke?"

"It didn't escape my notice, sir," chimed Zoe.

"Well, I sure would like ta' hear any suggestions on how to fix him before he daydreams himself into an early and not-so-shallow grave," Mal commanded.

"Perhaps if we could somehow contact River, he might cheer up a bit," suggested Simon.

Everyone around the table simply gawked in response.

"Why does everyone on this boat think I'm a total idiot," huffed Simon. "Top three percent, remember? Listen, it didn't take a genius to figure out that Jayne's current tailspin corresponded to the exact date of my sister's departure. I don't really know what was going on, and Lord knows I really don't want to know, but maybe if he heard from her, maybe if they could talk, he could get some closure."

"He told me he loved her," Kaylee whispered.

"What!," cried Mal and Simon simultaneously.

"I talked ta' him and he told me he love her, and it was only after he told River was when she took off," Kaylee explained. "I'm thinkin' Jayne's heart is broken."

"Well, that may be true, and maybe not, but I can't be doin' nothin' about that," grumbled Mal. "Any other thoughts?"

"Perhaps if we were to take on new crew," Zoe offered. "It might be good for everyone to have a fresh face or two onboard. Plus, we really could use a new pilot."

Inara placed her hand over Zoe's in silent comfort. Mal patted Zoe's shoulder. He was continually amazed by her strength. "Been thinkin' along the same lines myself. Any other ideas?"

"Jayne's real tight with his ma'," reminded Kaylee. "Maybe we could pay her a visit. You know, let him have some time with his own kin?"

"Good thought, lil' Kaylee," Mal responded. "I'll reckon there's no harm in pokin' around his home planet for our next job."

Mal turned his eyes to Inara, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during this conversation. "Inara, you're our official resident counselor, got any words?"

He was shocked at how she simply dropped her head and nodded slowly. "No."

Mal knew his woman was hiding something but he was smart enough not to push it in front of the crew. They had settled on a quiet understanding on when and where it was acceptable to quarrel. Now was not the time. Not when things needed built up, not broken down further.

"All right then. I'll look into hirin' on new crew and findin' a good reason ta' be in the area of Mrs. Cobb but if'n any of you got a way to get a message to River, now might be a mighty fine time to do it."

"Captain, if I had a way to speak to River, don't you think I would have by now," quipped Simon.

"I know, I know, don't seem likely none of us can do nothin' 'bout our missing 'Tross," sighed Mal. "I just know if we can't get Jayne turned around soon, I'm gonna have ta' be thinkin' on lettin' him go, and I know none us here can stand to lose another crew."

Mal watched as the remainder of his crew nodded their agreement, Kaylee grabbin' onto Simon's arm for support, and Inara worryin' her bottom lip 'tween her teeth. Damn it, if that woman is keepin' secrets.

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_"You know you're a real pain in the butt, you and your brother that is." He grumbled, now standing in front of River. His eyes followed her line of vision and he saw her staring at her hands whilst they trembled, which did not surprise him, River could be awful twitchy sometimes._

_"And you ain't to appealin." Jayne placed his hand under her chin, lifting her head so she was looking at him but River kept her eyes down._

_"Hell, I could be with anyone I liked but I think I had one too many to drink tonight," he run a finger through her hair, "and there are some awful cute things about you." Jayne placed his thumb at River's right eye, which she closed. "Like right here." he stated as he leaned in and kissed her right eye. River frowned and grabbed his wrist, not tightly but held onto it._

_He pulled away and this time, saw that she was actually looking him in the eyes. "This one too." he leaned in and kissed her left eye. River was trembling now, her lips started to quiver when Jayne pulled away. "Right here, can't forget right here" he whispered, leaning in, kissing on the lips. _

Jayne woke with a start as he heard footsteps comin' down the hallway leading up to the bridge. He knew without seein' that it was Inara. She was the only one nowadays that was up at this hour.

Jayne rubbed his eyes and sat up a bit as she crossed into the bridge. She simply nodded in acknowledgement to his presence in the co-pilot seat as she tucked herself gracefully into Wash's seat. He noticed she seemed to be inspectin' him but just as he was goin' ta' call her on it, she turned to look out the view window.

It took him a while to gather his thoughts. It was late and the dreams had been comin' on something fierce as of late. So much so Jayne had been tryin' not to sleep. So while he was groggy, his brain was still fixed on somethin' and now was as good a time as any.

"Inara?"

"Yes?"

"I never figured to ask ya' straight out if ya' knew where she was 'cause I figured ya'd never a told me anyhow. But I'm out of options and I don't know what else to do."

Jayne watched as Inara's delicate face seemed to wince, her eyes slammed wide like she'd just been slapped.

"What are you asking me, Jayne?"

He sighed at her directness, knowin' she'd need a bit of explainin' if she were the one holdin' the secret that he was convinced one of them had ta' been carryin' all these months. Girl can't just vanish into thin air, and he knew it. Inara was good at keepin' secrets, were big part of her job. Jayne knew he'd have ta' tell more than he was willin' to if he expected her to spill.

"Inara, ya' ever think on why I'm up here every night, staring off into the black?"

"Well, I guess not," Inara said. "Not really. I have a few suspicions but, no, I can't say I know why you are here, and I hadn't realized it was every night."

Jayned sighed again and shifted in his seat to look over at her. "I sit here, every night, in her seat, and look out to the black that she loved so gorram much. Bet ya' didn't know I used ta let her float around out there when her troubles got to cloggin' her brain too much," he smiled slightly. "I sit here every night, tryin' to suss out why she left and where in the 'verse she coulda gone," he paused, staring at his hands in his lap. "But I ain't a ruttin' genius like she is and I ain't been able to get the answers I'm a needin'. I've asked everyone onboard, both using niceness and threats. Even tried to bribe Simon but he looked just as lost as I felt and figured ya' can't fake that." his voice trailed off. "Seems the girl really just up and disappeared," he looked her straight in the eyes. "But I ain't asked you yet. I ain't asked ya'straight. And now I gotta ask. I gotta know. I gotta know where she is."

"Jayne, it was River's choice to leave. It's her choice to stay away. It's not my secret to keep."

Jayne felt the first stab of hope he'd felt in weeks. "Please 'Nara. I can't not know."

He knelt in front of her, not carin' how it desperate it made him look. Not carin' if someone saw. He dared to lay his hands gently on her knees. "I can't not know and it's killin' me."

He felt her hand slide against his cheek, wiping away a tear he wished she had never seen.

"Oh, Jayne," she purred. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

He watched and waited as she took in a deep breath. "I'll tell you where she is."

That night, Jayne thanked the stars that Inara was compassionate, but more than that, he was thankful that she finally caved.

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A/N: First section in italic, an except from "Smile", Gem588,

Second section in italic, an excerpt from "Little too much to Drink", Shlynn, , 07-25-11


	7. Chapter 7 Decision

"I said it before and I guess I'll be sayin' it one more time," Mal shouted above his arguing crew. "This here ain't a democracy. And last time I checked, I'm still the leader of this here dictatorship. So what I say goes."

"But Cap'n," started Kaylee.

"'Nuff lil' Kaylee," Mal interrupted. "We've all said our peace on the subject."

He nodded to Zoe and Inara. "Now you two got a point. It was River's decision to leave and her decision to leave the way she did. She ain't no child no more, on that point I think we are all agreed. There's a certain respect due that fact the girl made a choice that was her own to make, despite what the Doc here might say on that account. We should honor her choice."

"She's all the family I have left," Simon mumbled, exhausted from the argument.

"On the other hand, Kaylee and Simon make a good point. The girl is family and whether or not she wants to come back, she should at least know she'd be welcome back. And even though we could send her a wave sayin' as much', now that we know where she's at," Mal hissed at Inara, "seems only proper ta' be delivering that kinda message in person."

Mal dared to turn his attention to his merc, sittin' unusually stoic at the end of the table. After Jayne had come ta' him two hours ago, demanding he change course to the Companion House on Georgia and Mal havin' to remind him who was in charge, the big man had been near motionless and hadn't said a word. Mal would of liked to believe it because he was waitin' to hear Mal's discussion on the matter, but it was more likely that the Jayne was thinking up a plan to get ta' River, 'specially if Zoe and Inara were right about them being involved. And while Mal couldn't figure out how exactly, if Jayne wanted River as much as he suspected, the man would find her, regardless of what was decided here today. And with the thought of losin' yet another crew, Mal knew his decision.

"With all things considered," Mal resumed, "seems to me there's no harm on checkin' in on the girl. We'll set a course to Georgia and should be there in 'bout three days."

Mal found himself with an armful of Kaylee, kissin' on him and thanking him. Simon was pattin' at his back, sharin' his fair share of gratitude. Inara simply smiled sweetly and nodded to him. Not exactly an endorsement of the decision but not a condemnation either.

For a second, Mal thought he saw Jayne's eyes roll closed but a second glance showed him sittin' as a still as a statue, just as before.

"Pipe down, pipe down," Mal said, pushing Kaylee off. "I'm sending Inara and Simon down. Inara you meet with your friend down there and find out if River even wants visitors. Simon, if she don't wanna' see you, you'll at least be able to find out how's she's been farin' these past few months."

Mal walked the length of the table. "Jayne, I want you to go with Inara and Simon," he put his hand gently on Jayne's shoulder, hopin' not to startle the man. "Think ya' can do that for me? Need ya' to see if that place our girl's hidin' herself in is safe enough, dong ma?"

For the first time in months, Mal saw a genuine smile stretch across his merc's lip. "Sure, Mal, I can do that. In fact, got no problem with that at all."

"I'll set course, sir," Zoe rose to move toward the bridge. "Figure we're in a bit of a hurry?"

Mal patted Jayne's shoulder. "Sooner would sure be better than later," smiled Mal.


	8. Chapter 8 Acceptance

Jayne was standin' at the back of the fancy room. Weren't in no mood for tea even if he was invited. Felt particularly nekkid since they confiscated all his girls upon enterin' the Companion house, more like a gorram fortress in fact. Jayne supposed keepin' the Companions-in-training safe would be a concern but he didn't think they'd have takin' it quite so seriously. Seems like the moonbrained girl found a safe enough place ta' be hidin' out. She'd be safe here, maybe even safer than on Serenity, but even the burly and well-armed guards our front weren't him, weren't paid to protect her in particular. Jayne figured there was no place safer for the girl than with him.

As Jayne continued to contemplate the security of the place, he was half-listenin' in on the small chat being bantered around between Inara, Simon and the shapely blonde lady called Isola. He couldn't ignore that the woman was one of the most gorgeous creatures he'd ever did seen. And he be damned if he didn't catch her once or twice flittin' her eyelashes his way. He weren't dumb enough to figure it was flirtin', more like studyin'.

"She does spend an extraordinary amount of time dancing in the studio as of late," the woman said, sending a small smirk in his direction. "She's such a talented dancer, just as you said, Inara."

Whether she meant it as a hint or not, Jayne used her statement as permission ta' take his leave, as they say. As he checked back over his shoulder, he was surprised to see Inara flash him a knowing smile and nodded her head slightly in that way she does. Seemed like approval enough for him.

As he traveled the maze of hallways and courtyards of the place, Jayne reminded himself of the plan he had constructed over the last three days. He weren't used ta' thinkin' so much or so hard but he had tried to figure what was best her, although most of him just wanted to find her and throw her over his shoulder and drag her back to Serenity. And damn it if he didn't reach the same thinkin' as Mal had. Just check on her. Make sure she's doin' good. Honor her choice and let 'er know she can come back anytime she wants. Just check on her. Just check on her.

He repeated this in his mind just in case the girl could sense him coming. He didn't want her to bolt if she heard him comin'. Rounding the corner, he heard the sound of music coming from an open doorway at the end of the hall. Music meant dancin' and dancin' meant his lil' crazy girl.

Jayne stopped dead in his tracks soon as he had a sightline into the room. It was large and bright and lined with mirrors on three sides, the fourth openin' to an outdoor balcony. As soon as his eyes fell on the dancer inside his heart squeezed painfully in his chest. He hadn't realized until this very moment how beautiful River was. Sure, she'd been cute, then pretty and then kinda hot, but watchin' her now, Jayne saw how truly beautiful she was. Her trim body was sheathed in some silky looking pink bodysuit, with a frilly looking see-through skirt sliddin' across her thighs as she bent and twirled. Her long hair fell across her back, seemingly swaying to the tempo of the sad song that ripped through the room.

_Just check on her, just check on her_, he thought hard, hoping to prevent the other not-so-wholesome thoughts he had 'bout the girl from flowin' out. _But damn if she ain't the shiniest thing I ever did see._

Even as the last thought escaped, the girl stopped. She straightened herself out and caught his eyes in the mirror. Jayne's stomach clenched at the amazing smile that lit up her face and then felt it drop as the smile slid into something that he weren't sure what it was, but it weren't good.

"Hey Crazy."

He watched as she turned slowly to face him.

"Hello Jayne," she whispered. "What are you doing here? Is there something wrong with Simon?"

"Nah. Nothin' like that."

She dropped her eyes to the floor then walked in that graceful Inara way toward a small table, busying herself with stuff laid out on a fancy tray.

"Oh, well then," she glanced at him quickly. "Would you like some tea?"

"Tea?," Jayne screeched. "Gorram, girl! I haven't seen ya' in months, been dying a little everyday since ya' left an' now ya' wanna have tea? What has this fancy whore school been teachin' ya' anyway?"

River just stared back at him, no expression on her face, no rolling eyes, no spark of anger even.

Jayne sighed and tried to push his anger down. It was plain to see she weren't gonna jump into his arms and she weren't even gonna fight. It was frustrating him somethin' fierce ta' have her right in front of him and not feel that connection he'd been missing for months. He allowed himself to twirl a bit of her hair around his finger, just ta' prove she was real.

"Are ya' even in there, Moonbrain," he questioned. "Ya' look beautiful and all but I'm not sure what I'm lookin' at here but it ain't you."

At that, she smiled sadly. "Exactly right, Jayne. That's why I'm here. To figure out who I am, where I belong."

"That's what this is all about," he fumed, his hands now clenched in fist at his side.  
>"Why dincha' just ask me before you went runnin' half-way 'cross the verse."<p>

"Sweet Jayne, it was obvious. You accepted me as I was. You don't have any more answers for me than I do." He felt her delicate hand press gently on this cheek, feelin' like the best thing he ever felt. "It's good to see you, Jayne. I'm fine. Go home."

"That's it! Good to see you now git?" Jayne took a step back from her from fear of strangling her pretty little neck. "Well, I came here to make sure you're doing alright and then I figured I'd be on my way. But ya' ain't. Ya ain't alright, are ya' girl?"

Jayne took to pacing a bit back and forth, gesturing around the room. "Sure, you got yerself a right fine dancin' space here 'cept I didn't see no smiles when ya' was dancin'. No joy like you usually have." He pointed to the tray. "And you're not one 'fer servin' tea. And God help ya' iffin this whore school taught ya' more than that. Way I see it, ya' been here long enough. Time's tickin' girl. We ain't getting any younger, dong ma?"

"I know that," she said. "Time doesn't stop, evolution is mandatory, change is the universal constant. But Jayne, I must find my place. My place to be myself, so that I may move forward; to grow, to change, to give, to take, to love, to lose…to live."

Jayne pushed his hand through his hair, figuring his next move.

"Ni zai jiang shen me pi hau! I see talkin' ain't getting' us nowhere." Jayne got to her in two quick steps, grabbed her to him, and crushed his mouth onto hers. He wanted to devour her, to make her understand, to show her what she'd been missing. She had tensed at first but slowly began to melt against his chest, her hands gripping at his shoulders. He remembered that there was nothin' in the 'verse better than this and Jayne was thinking by the way lil' moans were purring from her throat that she was startin' to remember that too.

"Jayne," she whispered against his lips. A dismissal, an apology.

He grabbed at her shoulders and pushed her back a step, not letting her go so easy now that he had tasted her again. "Ya' want answers? Alright. Here we go. Who are ya'? You are our crazy girl. You're Mal's lil 'Tross. You're Kaylee's best friend. You're Zoe's hope. You're Simon's gift. Hell, way I see it, you're the very soul of Serenity." He slid his hands up to tangle in her hair. "But more than that, you're mine and ya' belong with me."

Jayne braced himself for her fury, for her rejection. It never came.

"Oh, bao bei," she whispered. "I missed you so much. Would you kiss me again?"

Never one to refuse her anything when she looked on him like she was, he pulled her gently to him, cradled her head as softly as he could manage and gave her what he hoped was the most soul-wrenching kiss of all time.

He broke the kiss gently, licking her lips as she pulled away. She crumbled against his chest, tucking her head under his chin like she liked to do. He wrapped his arms around her and let months full of agony slide away, leavin' lovely girl warmth in its place. "Now, baby girl, ya' ready to go home or ya' got more ponderin' to do here?"

River pulled herself away to stare up at him, eyes glimmerin' with happy tears. She stretched up on tiptoe and dropped a little kiss on the tip of his nose. "No. No more pondering. I'm ready to go home," she smiled, practically outshining the sun light pouring in through the windows. "I just need to get one thing then we can go."

Jayne watched a bit nervously as she ran from the room, her bare feet skipping silently across the wood floors. He smiled at the thought of givin' her the socks his Ma had made for her. He smiled wider of the thought of Simon being appalled by them same socks.

Before he had much of a chance to even move from the spot, she was back, pullin' at his hand. He spotted her clutching somethin' in her other hand.

"Whatcha' got there, Crazy?"

Her little hand stretched and slowly opened, revealing a single leather bootlace, the one he tied in her hair that first night they ever kissed. "Would you mind," she purred as she swung her hair to her back.

He lifted the cord from her hand and spun her around. He raked his finger through her long brown hair, from scalp to tips. He always did love her hair, so soft and so girly. Just as that first night, he tied her hair into a lop-sided ponytail and gave it a loving little tug.

She turned, resuming her place in his arms. "It's the one thing I came here with," she says shyly. "It's the one thing I needed with me."

"Ah hell, girl," he lifted her chin, so he could look at her proper. "Didn't I give ya' nothin' better than a dirty, old bootlace?"

She laid a hand over his heart, tapping her fingers to match its rhythm. "Yes, you surely did. Jayne. In fact, your gift was the best thing ever. I just wasn't sure what to do with it."

Jayne suddenly felt uncomfortable, twitching his shoulders. "Yeah, about that. I do love you somethin' fierce but maybe I shouldn't have told ya' so soon. We were just startin' out and you're so young, maybe I jumped the gun on that a bit. I want you with me but I can wait, I will wait if that's what you're wantin'."

A smile of pure bliss graced her lips, somethin' like he ain't never seen before.

"Jayne, I never told you, did I?"

"Tell me what?"

"That I love you too."

With that, he lifted her up into the sky and spun her around like a child. She giggled and it was the best sound he ever heard, except for that part right before. Her body slid down his slowly 'til her lips were glided down from his chin to his chest. Suddenly his body was just as joyous as the rest of him.

"Now you know, ya' twisted me up these past few months girl, making me a very grumpy bear," he smirked. "But I reckon' I got a few ways you might make it up 'ta me."

Suddenly the girl was out of his arms, standing shyly a few steps back. "Jayne, I want to be very clear that no one here has touched me. That's not why I came here. The Companion House was just the most logical choice; the best refuge, a safe retreat."

With her looking like a gorram piece of high-priced art, standin' there in her dancin' tights, shuffling her toes about the floor, all vulnerable like, he thought he was the luckiest man alive. He couldn't not touch her so he pulled her back into him.

"Good to know. It seems a fine fortress full of little Companions here. Wouldn't want to have to make a mess killin' folk that had laid hands on my girl," he scowled playfully, twirlin' her ponytail around his hand.

"But Grumpy Bear…."

"Hmmmm," he murmured as he watched her trace lazy circles across his chest.

"You wouldn't believe the things I learned 'bout sexin'."

"Ma de," he groaned, "now I know I'm the luckiest man alive."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Simon tried hard to focus on the fact that he was grateful that River was back on board and that she was happy. He also tried really, really hard to ignore the reason he hadn't seen his sister nor the ape-man sitting across from him in several days.

With all of his mind occupied with focusing on gratitude and his sister's happiness, he missed what Jayne had just said.

"What?"

"I said that while you ain't her Pa it's a good thing 'cause I'm likely to shoot him dead if I ever lay eyes on the man."

Simon blinked in confusion. "That's good to know, I suppose."

"So, I think it's only right to ask your permission, seeing you're her brother and the closest to a Pa she got up here in the black," Jayne stumbled. "Well, I suppose that could be Mal too but I ain't figure he gets a say in this."

Simon's spine tingled with the feeling that something very bad was about to happen. He absently wiped his sweaty palms against his trousers.

"Jayne, what are you talking about? What permission?"

"'Fer her hand, of course," Jayne shook his head. "Top three percent, huh? Geez."

"Are you asking for my blessing for you to marry my sister?"

"Are you givin' it?"

Simon thought back on the look on his sister's face as she sat in Jayne's lap on the shuttle ride back to Serenity. He thought of the welcome she received from Kaylee and Zoe upon her return. He saw the pride and love on the Captain's face as she asked if she could take the ship out of atmo. Most of all, he remembered what it felt like without having his sister around.

"Yes, Jayne. You have my blessing."

Jayne stood and shook his hand. "That's it then? No big speeches? No threats?"

"No, that's it."

Simon watched as the big man's broad back walked down the hallway to the bridge.

"_River-girl! Best be getting' yerself that pretty white dresss ya' been eyein'. Simon said yes and I ain't one for waitin'."_

Simon cringed as Jayne's voice boomed around the ship.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A/N: Translations:

Ni zai jiang shen me pi hau! – What the fuck are you saying?

Ma de – Fuck!


End file.
